Help! I like and loathe this record at the same time and I am confused

I don’t LOVE the Cher Lloyd debut single, but I do like it and it is stuck in my head. At least the chorus is, the verse is mostly forgettable and the song as a whole is so annoying that I want to shout at myself every time my brain wants to hum the chorus again, which it does a lot. It’s a recipe for madness.

The weirdest thing is that none of this should be a surprise. “Swagger Jagger” sounds EXACTLY like you would expect Simon Cowell making an “urban” record would sound like. It pulls off the tricky task of sounding right for Cher but at the same time useable for any number of Simon Cowell’s past acts (I’m thinking Zig and Zag or Wrestlemania rather than Westlife).

It’s a lot more “Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” than “Hard Knock Life“, and it makes me wonder if the Simco team actually get anything which isn’t pop. What odds can I get on the next single being a cover of “Slap My Elbow“, cos S.mouse is really big with the kids right now, right?

Despite all the musical nonsense, Cher herself actually comes over really well in interviews, although it’s obvious that she’s got very little control over what’s happening around her. It annoys me because I think she’s actually quite good, and has great musical ears – she did introduce the nation to a Mike Posner megahit. She needs to get on top of things and set the direction, otherwise they might as well forget trying to make her credible and give her a decent ytcracker song to cover instead.

UPDATE June 30: after realising we all felt the same way and that the song is growing on us, we’ve taken the plunge and added it to the radios. Aaaaaaaaagh!!!!! Simultaneous feelings of pleasure and dirtiness, excitement and guilt!!!!! What have we just done???!!!!

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